August 21, 2013

little laura gets creepy

Blogger's Note: Thanks to my family's pack-rat tendencies -- and my vanity -- I've managed to keep documentation of my progress as a writer from kindergarten on. Instead of letting those cedar chest gems go to waste, I figured I might as well do what I do best -- post them to my blog. This is Little Laura Learns the Ropes.

No. 6: Write a letter to our pen pal at Cook's Food using a friendly letter format
Date: Oct. 17, 1994
Age: 8

Dear Mr. (CENSORED),

My full name is Laura Marie Chapman. I'm 8 years old. 6 people live in my house. Me, Sarah is my sister. Mike is my 15 year old brother. Shawn my 14 year old brother. Linda is my mother. Bruce is my father. My mom is 43 my dad is 42. I play Volly ball in my spare time I also read a lot. At home sometimes it gets me into a lot of trouble. My father works at LT&T. My mother works at the Lincoln Childrens Museum.

In school we have 24 people. 26 counting Mrs. (CENSORED) and Mrs. (CENSORED). In math we are trading. In reading we are doing Imagine That. We are studying Walt Disney. There are 5 Disney places. Euro Disney, Tokyo Disney, Disney Land, EPCOT and Disney World. Euro Disney is in Parris, France. Tokyo Disney is in Tokyo. I like school a lot.

Where did you grow up?

Where did you go to school?

Where do you live?

Your pen pal,

Laura Chapman

Oh, dear, Little Laura. Someone should really clue you in on a little something the big kids call "Stranger Danger." For serious, LL, (and the teacher who thought this was a totally acceptable amount of information to send to a complete stranger) you can't just go around telling people you've never met your full name, age, family member's names, their ages and where your parents work.

The fact that you lived to see 9 shocks me, frankly.

I suppose we can be thankful the man who received this was apparently a gentleman not interested in:
a) abducting small children
b) into identity theft
c) a murderer looking for his next set of victims
Maybe I'm overreacting to this. Maybe it's a sign of the times, but for serious, Little Laura, why did you have to choose now to get honest?

Especially when you follow up the answer to every security question with a big fat lie. What lie, you ask? Well, Little Laura, let's take a look at this:
"I also read a lot. At home sometimes it gets me into a lot of trouble."
When, oh when, did you ever get in trouble for reading at home? Mom and Dad loved that you read. Sure, sometimes they told you it was time to turn off the light and go to bed (and you need your rest, LL), but how does that actually qualify as trouble?

Speaking of trouble... what will your parents think when they see you've revealed their actual ages? Everyone knows old people are sensitive about their age.

As in last week, it appears you're still using lists to generate big word count. By the way, thanks for letting us know that Tokyo Disney is in fact located in Tokyo as opposed to being a clever name. I'm sure this nice man, who was being forced to be your pen pal  because of some company initiative to support the schools, really needed that fact clarified. I'm sure he's sleeping better at night now that he knows.

One thing I can appreciate is your consistency in this letter. You start it out creepy by sharing everything but your social security number with this man, and you end it by asking him where he lives. Given that he's a local man, I'm guessing he lived somewhere in town. That's all you need to know, you little creep.

I'm not even going to address the couple of misspellings and grammar issues. I'm too freaked out by you, Little Laura.

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  1. I knew I was in trouble when I was already laughing at the title, "Little Laura Gets Creepy." Hahahahaha! In Little Laura's defense, though, as elementary students, we were often forced to write these "friendly letters" to strangers, and we had no blinkin' clue what to say. I think she did pretty well.

  2. Laughing with Little Laura. I got into trouble for reading, too. "The Exorcist" at age 14. My parents told me not to read it (especially my good Catholic dad), but I read it anyway. Tucked a bible under my pillow for weeks after that, and really, I did not sleep.

  3. Can. Not. Stop. Laughing. Maybe Little Laura was role playing cops-and-robbers and she was in the interrogation room spilling her guts? It's too funny that your teacher allowed you to send all of this personal info to a stranger. Do you remember ever getting an answer from this guy? He never offered to give you candy if you'd meet him in the park, did he? ;)

    Actually, it's kind of sweet that LL was so trusting and innocent. Too bad we all can't stay like that forever. And I thought that her spelling and grammar was pretty darn good this go-round.

    This is one of my favorite series ever, AL (Adult Laura.) Keep 'em coming! :)

  4. I'm glad you clued LL in on stranger danger. Other phrases she needs to learn are: TMI and "loose lips sink ships."

    I'm assuming the neighbors, the teachers, the kids at school, the crossing guard, and that nice man at the butcher shop knew the full 411 on your family!

    Too funny!