October 9, 2013

little laura goes politicking

Blogger's Note: Thanks to my family's pack-rat tendencies -- and my vanity -- I've managed to keep documentation of my progress as a writer from kindergarten on. Instead of letting those cedar chest gems go to waste, I figured I might as well do what I do best -- post them to my blog. This is Little Laura Learns the Ropes.

No. 13: Write a Persuasive Essay: Why I Like Chunky Peanut Butter Better Than Creamy
Date: April 1999
Age: 12
I believe that Chunky Peanut Butter is in fact a better and more appropriate choice of Peanut Butter in comparison to Creamy Peanut Butter.

I feel this way because Chunky Peanut Butter just tastes better. Also the chunks of peanuts give you something to chew. The peanuts in chunky keep it from sticking to the top of your mouth so much.

Not only does Chunky Peanut Butter tast good, but it is also very functional. While the jelly slides right off the Peanut Butter with Creamy, the peanuts in Chunky add friction, preventing the jelly from sliding off.

Another good use of Chunky Peanut Butter is that when feeding your dog heartworm pills, you can hide the pill better in a Peanut Butter Sandwich. When you use Creamy, he can pick the pill out, but when using Chunky, the pill appears to be another peanut and is harder for your dog to find and spit out.

When making little sculptures with your Peanut Butter, before eating it, Chunky has a better, more appealing texture which is stronger and lasts longer. Also, when flinging little Peanut Butter goobers across the table at your little sister, Chunky does more damage and quiets her down quicker.

And when you drop some Peanut Butter on the floor, chunky is thicker and more clumpy and the peanuts give you something to grip onto, when you stick it back in the jar without your mom noticing.

Furthermore, if you had to make a stand on Peanut Butter to make this case, you would just sink into Creamy. The peanuts in Chunky would give you a firmer base to stand on, which is why I can make a firm stand on Chunky Peanut Butter.

We've graduated to middle school, y'all. Before we analyze this piece of persuasive writing, let's take a moment to congratulate Little Laura on successfully completing her elementary education and promoting to middle school.

That's right. We've entered the middle ages. There's plenty of angst and mood swings to go around. Also, isn't this song the worst? I was in orchestra for a couple of years in high school, and every year we had to play this at graduation. Trust me, repeating the same 20 measures long enough for more than 400 people to cross the stage is Hell.

Though middle school now typically includes 6-8 grade, my school district went K-6, 7-9 and 10-12 while I was a student. We moved to a different city before I started 9th grade, and they began high school then. Basically, what I'm trying to tell you is there are only two years of middle school for us to pull material from, so hold onto your butts, because it's going to go fast.

Great, now that we've taken care of the nitty gritty details, let's get into Little Laura's foray into controversial writing.

My seventh grade world history teacher (yeah, I don't get why this was assigned in that class either) told us to write a persuasive essay. We had to argue a point to sway people with our opinions. Not sure what to use as my subject, the perfect subject hit me during breakfast one Saturday morning. I would argue that chunky peanut butter was the best peanut butter.

I wish Little Laura could take credit for all of the cheap jokes and punchlines and jokes in this piece, but she can't. Once I mentioned the topic to my family, and particularly my dad, the suggestions came flowing.

My dad was pretty proud of himself when he came with the idea of literally making a stand on chunky peanut butter. And who can blame him? As far as the cheese goes, it's oozing like Velveeta on shells. We were convinced we were at least as funny as the Monty Python guys and Mel Brooks by the time we finished this essay.

Some of these explanations are based on real life. Yes, we used to give our dog his medicine with chunky peanut butter and, yes, it tastes better. As for it preventing the jelly from sliding off and the strength of it as a building materials, it's purely supposition.

I also have no recollection of ever flinging a goober of peanut butter at my sister. We typically fought in hand-to-hand combat and didn't require food missiles. And I never put a piece of dirty peanut butter back in a jar. That's way too gross.

There are a few technical issues, still. Capitalizing chunky and creamy and peanut butter seems more than a little excessive, but Little Laura seems to have a better grasp on her commas now that she's older. No, they're not perfectly used, but she's getting there. I have faith LL will one day have a solid grasp of the English language.

And while this is a cute example of Chapman family collaboration, I don't think any of us should give up our day jobs. We also should've realized this debate was only the beginning. In the almost 15 years since, our political discussions have become pretty heated. Makes you wish for the days of peanut butter, ey?

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  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    1. Well, aftabali probably said it all (lol). I'm with you on the chunky pb, and chortled all through this one.