January 24, 2014

the disney effect

Blogger's Note: This blog post previously appeared on the now defunct Good Humor Girl back in 2012. In the interest of preserving my obvious brilliance for generations to come (or at least for another year) I figured I'd bring it back home to Change the Word. In this piece, I address the impact Disney movies had on my expectations for men. Oddly enough, it's still pretty accurate two years later.

The influence started early. Unfortunately, in my
quest to find Prince Eric/Charming/Phillip,etc.,
I seem to have forgotten to turn myself into an
Ariel/Belle/Sleeping Beauty. Sigh. Double Standards.

Disney has ruined me for men. No point denying it, my standards for a suitable mate are high and difficult to meet. After hours spent glued to my TV screen watching the prince get the princess, my checklist (no denying it ladies, we all have one), is a hodgepodge of the ridiculous.

Take a look at a few items on my list to judge for yourself:

•  Confident and determined boat owner with a love for seafood and French cuisine. Is there anything sexier than a man than confidence and determination? Prince Eric has both in surplus. While the part about the boat may seem superficial, it is not. Well, not entirely.  Having a boat represents a sense of adventure and financial security. Wanting financial security does not make me a gold digger. It makes me responsible. As for the bit about food – I don’t want to be denied my favorite Indian and Greek foods, because they are too exotic. Take a page from Prince Eric, gentlemen. Expand your palette. 

Bonus points: Owns beachfront property.

•  Sensitive and misunderstood rebel who wants a better life and goes for it. When it comes to guys from the opposite sides of the track, Aladdin has a lot going on. Sure he may have a bit of a record, but circumstances pushed him into a life of thieving. Plus, he probably shares the goods with hungry kids, like Aladdin did. He will have a heart of gold. If you’re the type who likes to save the not-so-bad boy (guilty here), an Aladdin is ideal.

Bonus points: Has well-defined abs and arms. And a sweet ride.

•  Mysterious art collector with an extensive library. Do you remember the envy and exhilaration you felt the moment the Beast gave Belle his library? If a man wants to know the way to my heart, it is with a one-of-a-kind library featuring floor-to-cathedral-ceiling fully-stocked bookshelves with plenty of natural lighting. A man who collects book, artwork and music, has depth and cultural awareness. You are guaranteed at least a few nights out to the symphony or a play instead of going to see the latest action flick every date night. And we all love mystery.

Bonus points: Employs a quirky, but efficient, staff.

•  Gentle equestrian who can sing. Of the old-school men, Prince Phillip has to be my favorite. He is dashing and witty and goes to extreme lengths to get the girl. But aside from that, he displays other welcome qualities. He is an animal lover. He knows how to sing. Have you ever had a guy sing/perform a song just for you? Trust me, it’s hot.

Bonus points: Doesn’t think you’re crazy for talking to your cats – he talks to his horse.

•  Mad fashion sense with smooth moves on the dance floor. Prince Charming is the type of guy you can take out for a night on the town. The guy knows how to dress, and he can work it on the dance floor. If you want to hang with my friends and I on the weekends, you are going to have to bust a move.

Bonus points: Recognizes a girl needs her shoes.

•  Goal-oriented hard worker with high career ambitions. In Mulan, Li Shang leads an army to victory against the Huns. He wants to rise to the top of his field. Instead of crying about the lack of talent in his ranks, he vows to make them better soldiers. Even though a man in uniform is totally hot, I would settle for one with any career goals. This has nothing to do with money and everything to do with motivation and ambition. It’s sexy. Granted, he will need to balance his work and personal life, but we can get there.

Bonus points: Has martial art skills.

•  Zero in-law drama. Ever notice how most men in Disney movies have absent or uninvolved parents? How awesome would it be to never have to worry about pleasing the in-laws?

Bonus points: Not afraid of a little PDA.

There may come a day when I have to concede a few of these points. Until then, a girl can dream. I’m still holding out.

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