February 3, 2014


Blogger's Note: This blog post previously appeared on the now defunct Good Humor Girl back in 2012. In the interest of preserving my obvious brilliance for generations to come (or at least for another year) I figured I'd bring it back home to Change the Word. Oddly enough (aside from the part about living in my brothers' basement), it's still pretty accurate two years later.

The more involved I get with developing my craft as a writer, the more I find myself beginning sentences with, “Someday, when I am a successful author, I will…” That’s right. I am one of those writers who not only talks about writing all the time, but forces anyone who within earshot to listen to my grand plans for the future.

Unfortunately, it is more than a way for me to self-motivate. It is how I make excuses for myself.

After coming to terms with this every-growing character flaw, I came to embrace it and laugh at it. Here is a list of some of the latest schemes.

Someday, when I am a successful author, I will:
  • Develop an organization system so simple and efficient I will never be without a Post-it note, pen or highlighter.
  • Move out of my brothers’ basement.
  • Pay off my student and car loans like a responsible grown-up. I will take the rest of my royalties and blow it on shoes, vacations and scented candles.
  • Read all of the books that have sat unread on my shelves for years.
  • Use my new celebrity status to win over one of my childhood celebrity crushes, such as J.C. Chasez or Jonathan Taylor Thomas. If I am a successful writer one of them will have to date me.
  • Pay someone to make my house and yard look nice. Until then, good housekeeping can wait.
  • Hire a personal trainer named Gustav and a personal chef called Jean-Paul. Together, they will make me svelte and sexy. 
  • Take a three-month hiatus to backpack Europe. While there, I will embrace history and culture making myself a better, well-rounded person. I will also meet a British gentleman or French vineyard owner with whom I will have a passionate, but ultimately ill-fated affair. I will use as fodder for to write a future best-seller.
  • Buy a plot of land in Southern California. There, I will raise avocados, limes, tomatoes, peppers and grapefruits. I will trade some of the crop with a tortilla chip maker, tequila distillery and egg farmer. Combined, this will provide me with the sustenance and eccentricity I will need when I decide to become one of those reclusive authors who only steps out in the limelight every five years.
It all sounds reasonable, right?

Granted success is in the eye of the beholder. While I could be satisfied with positive reviews and a steady income, somehow I do not think I will consider myself as having made it unless I at least get that avocado orchard.

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1 comment:

  1. I will: pay someone to clean my house, quit my day job and buy a Coach purse. Oh, and I will pay to get our basement refinished so I can move the playroom to the basement and then have an office all for myself.