September 9, 2014

take that, yahoo

I may have spoken too eagerly of my willingness to kiss as many frogs as it takes to find my Fantasy Football Prince Charming. We're only one week into this fantasy, err NFL, season, and my gag reflexes are kicking in. Big time. I'm practically on a diet of saltines and 7-Up.

The players on both of my teams gave vomy week one performances. I hope they were all getting out their bullshit now, because we're in for a shitty season otherwise. Maybe the Duchess of Cambridge can offer me some anti-nausea tips. (Congrats to the Wills and Kate, B-T-Dubs. I'm already placing my money on Baby No. 2 being a girl with the name Victoria. Anyone wanna take that bet?)

In case you can't tell by the tone of this blog post, both of my fantasy teams sustained crushing losses--99.56-136.76 for Cinderella's Fellas and 82.26-90.58 for the Lady Chapmans. Seriously, the only thing keeping me from going over to the dark side is my ability to re-watch this down-to-the-last-twenty-seconds-of-the-game save by Ameer Abdullah during the Huskers game on Saturday. I seriously almost peed myself in my excitement watching that play come into the end zone.

At least one of my fantasy leagues is thriving. My fantasy beer tour.

As of last night, I have 10 of 12 beers down (just a halfback and fullback to drink). And then I'll win my gridiron mini tour sweatshirt! As long as they have them in stock... Uh oh. Given my week, it's not totally out of the question for my local Old Chicago to run out before I finish.

Here's the deal, boys (I won't even call you "men" until we get a "W"). I spent a lot of my life thinking, "Oh I'm too demanding. I drive men to badness." But recently it occurred to me... It's not me. It's you. I'm a freaking catch and you can't catch (or throw or run or defend).

But before we get into why I'm already worried about my prospects, I'd like to make a long-distance dedication to my beloved Calvin Johnson, aka Megatron, who sadly is not part of my Fantasy Football franchise for the first time. Sniff. Sniff.

Of course he had to have an amazing first week. Like, the best first week ever. And I don't begrudge him success. No, just like Adele, I want nothing but the best for him. But why couldn't he love me like that? Why?!?!?!?!?!?

And of course every time he and Reggie Bush touched the ball it meant a takeaway from Joique Bell who is on my team. I swear I'll lose it if Calvin wins a championship for the owners on either of my leagues...

But before I get carried away blasting Adele while I curl up under a comforter and cry about the many ways I was wronged this week--and I could write a book--I had a few men prove they are committed to making our relationship work.

Let's start with the guys on my shit list, first. These boys are in the dog house this week based on their performances:
  • Jamaal Charles - 3.40 points. (Second-best projected overall fantasy player my ass. Consider yourself on probation.)
  • Charles Clay - 2.70 points (Gross.)
  • Vincent Jackson - 5.60 points (Out of a projected 12.52. For goodness sakes!)
  • T.Y. Hilton - 6.60 points (Out of a projected 11.92. Yikes.)

Had I started Chris Johnson as my running back instead of Charles, I would've ended up with 15.10 points,which would have won me the game. But in my defense, no one would've started Johnson over Charles, right? I also should have played Steve Smith Sr. (17.80 points) over Pierre Garcon (7.70), because I would have really won that game. But once again... Yahoo ripped me a new one for drafting him at all. I was scared to start him.

And this week I have an "Oh Shit" list with Toby Gerhart headlining after he left the game early with a sprained ankle. Apparently I should still plan on playing him next week, but sheesh. I don't know about that. I sprained an ankle last year and it took months to feel better.

Best Performers on Cinderella's Fellas:
  • My beloved Peyton Manning - 28.46 points (projected 28.61, so close enough.
  • Denver Defense - 12.00 points (8.41 projected)
  • Kyle Rudolph - 8.60 (7.41)
  • Joique Bell - a surprising 12.10 (9.98) considering how much Stafford was favoring Megatron and Bush.

None of those are banner results, but... I'll take them. Especially because I never really had a chance. My opponent basically kicked my ass, and would've defeated everyone else in the league, too. Dude was on fire.

I'm annoyed with Shady, because he didn't get me many points at all. But, I'm generous. I'm willing to write that off as a Week One fluke. Also getting a "hall pass" this week is Aaron Rodgers and Mason Crosby on The Lady Chapmans. It was a tough match-up against the defending Super Bowl champions, and I imagine they'll do better in the weeks ahead. I still feel a little disappointed, but who hasn't been disappointed in their partner a time or two in a relationship?

Players on the Lady Chapmans who didn't suck included:
  • Antonio Brown - 17.60 points (10.84 projected)
  • Kelvin Benjamin - 15.20 points (7.65)
  • Shane Vereen - 13.10 points (10.34)

So clearly I have three decent candidates for this week's Fantasy Football Prince Charming. And while a part of me would like to name Antonio Brown that man, I can't. He karate kicked a guy, and I'm just really not OK with registering for crystal or adopting a puppy with a guy who kicks other people in the head. It's not nice. We don't kick. Unless we're kickers. Then we kick, kick, kick! So, Antonio, despite your excellent performance, you're on probation. Don't do it again.

With Antonio out of the running this week, I am pleased to name the first Fantasy Football Prince Charming of the 2014 season...


...Kelvin Benjamin.

In his NFL debut, my man Kelvin scored one touchdown, caught six passes and yielded 92 yards. That's a pretty sexy way to start out your career, young man, and you have not escaped my notice.

And he was super adorable about that touchdown, telling the media, "I mean it was OK." Gotta love humility and a sense of humor like that.

And I really have to laugh about how well my boyfriend of the week and his buddy Antonio performed this week. Because here's what the experts at Yahoo had to say about me after drafting them, "(The Lady Chapmans) landed one of the worst groups of WRs in the league, as they have Antonio Brown, Pierre Garcon, and Kelvin Benjamin."

Ha. Well eff that noise, Yahoo. My receivers were damn fine this week. So take that, y'all!

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